Ohio State Preview

It's true: I've basically decided that I can't write 4 posts per week about this year's Wildcats. It's not that I have any less love for the team, or for writing things about them. It's just that even with a nice win and a couple other good games, the statements are all the same. Look,

• Get Sutton more involved
• Help Bacher make good decisions
• Limit NU turnovers
• Make big defensive plays

It should be noted, that my prediction stat finally predicted a win last week. So, all glory unto me for that one.

For this week, I'm looking for all those things above, plus I'm pissed about one thing. What am I pissed about? Well, can you believe that ESPN Classic isn't showing the last Evanston meeting of NU and OSU? Unless I missed it early this week, it's not happening. Whatever, ESPN, just show another Michigan-Notre Dame "classic."

Let's go Cats!

Iowa Preview

OK. My sickitude of the last week threw off my blogging, letter-writing, and actual working. So, I'm gonna take it easy for the rest of the season, rather than try to keep up with the 4-5 posts per week on football. Hoops starts in a week and a half, so hopefully that'll be a little fodder too!

In place of the usual, structured multi-post preview, here's just a couple thoughts. First, The Daily reports that Andrew Brewer will get a shot at wide receiver on Saturday. Well, OK. I assume the main goal is to use him in reverses and decoy plays. I guess maybe he could manage a pass-back to Bacher? My feeling: I like the thought, since he's a good athlete and deserves playing time even if he's not a good passer.

Secondly, a little dap for Chris Malleo. After having the misfortune of coming in as the backup QB to Baz, he's evolved into a quality special teams player. He seams to run the show on punts, and he's in on lots of tackles. Also he's from New Jersey! And I can't wait for the day when he throws a perfect spiral for a TD after receiving a direct snap on a fake punt.

That's all for today. This wasn't really an Iowa preview, so much as a general football notecard. You wanna make something of it?

Let's go Cats!

Michigan State 41, NU 38

I'm sick, so this is all you get this week. I'll try to pick it up again before the Michigan game this Saturday.

Josh's StatWatch
NU Passing yards/attempt: 8.8 yds/att. WHOA! (better than 6.5 = good)

Record after Game 5:
Josh's prediction: 1 win (5-3 predicting individual outcomes)
NU Record: 2-6

Michigan State Whether Report

Say Josh, tell me whether...

...Michigan State's team is mostly made of football-playing skanks.
Yes.

...Nick Roach is the best ever at reading faux Nelly lyrics.
Definitely, yes.

...you've found a new treasure trove of inside jokes for your blog.
It's called "Going to spirit sessions and annoying everyone, but also things there are funny."

...Homecoming is the best time to meet up with old classmates.
Well, it's better than jury duty. They never let you on the same jury with your friends.

...Homecoming is the worst weekend for the Chicago Marathon.
It is. I wish they'd have the marathon on January 20th.

More after the jump.

...It's pick time.
Sho nuff. It can be like dat.

...you think NU can make a win happen.
I think so. The line is MSU -7.5, O/U 48. I'm sayin NU 22, MSU 17.

Michigan State Weather Forecast

Homecoming looks to bring rains upon Evanston this year. As even the youngest child knows, NU football is best experienced AND played in the rain. So, it looks promising for the ApostroCats, if conditions hold.

The sloppy field conditions will lead to sloppy play by Drew Stanton and the Spartans. They are not blessed by the cat's natural abilities: reflexes, traction, hairballs.

Although wet, the homecoming crowd will exude good cheer, and the Cats will draw on it. Also, they will draw on running the ball over and through the demoralized MSU defense.

Cats win!

2 (more) Homecoming Lists

Looking back in time -- much easier than looking forward, it turns out -- I found the 2 lists that I wrote last year. To make my life easier, I am going to rip myself off, and do it again:

Ways to get Stephen Colbert's autograph:

• Take him hostage by impersonating his parade float driver
• Ask him to sign your copy of Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure
• Offer to trade him some delicous hummus.
  

Symptoms of both celebrating a Northwestern win and languishing in a Northwestern loss:

• Dramatic increase in beer intake
• Repeated suggestions that, "John L. Smith was great as the sketchy president on 24."
  
• Making undergrads nervous and annoyed by one's presence.
  

Michigan State Preview

Well, it's a meeting of Big Ten cellar-dwellers this Saturday. Northwestern (0-3, 2-5) will try to get a homecoming win for the third time in four years. Michigan State (0-3, 3-4) is also looking for its first conference win after losses to current #1 (Ohio State) and #2 (Michigan) as well as Illinois.

The key for NU, I think, is to keep Drew Stanton from killing us. We need to step our coverage and tackling so that he doesn't have easy middle-yardage thows all game. And we he pulls down the ball and runs, we have to meet him with teeth-rattling tackles. Make him think things through a little more each play.

Also, I'm hoping that C.J. Bacher gets the start under center for the Cats. Bacher, more than any of our current QBs has the potential to run a diverse spread offense, and we'll need that for the forseeable future.

More after the jump.

So, who the hell do we care about on Michigan State?

• Drew Stanton (#5) - The senior QB is one of the most experienced Big Ten passers around. And he's a good runner when he gets out of the pocket.
• Javon Ringer (#23) and Jehuu Caulcrick (#30) - These two running backs share the load, and are pretty solid backs. Also, Jehuu is a pretty funny name, but I can't think of a joke for it. Little help?
• Stanton throws to a lot of receivers, and the leader is Kerry "Girl's Name" Reed (#15).
• On defense, look at David Herron Jr. (#41) to be in on a lot of tackles.

Now for the good stuff:

• Sir Darean Adams (DB, #27) - Every year, it makes me want to cry that some mother named her kid Sir Darean.
• Ooh! Girls' names! Ryan Allison, Ashley Beaudouin, Kerry Reed.
• Kyle Sackrider (TE, #87) & Jonai Saint-Dic (DE, #94) - As if their names weren't unfortunate enough, they are alphabetically adjacent on the roster.
• Connor, Cooper, Decker (ouch), Fortener, Hoyer, Mayer, Miller, Pointer, Ringer, Sackrider (um), Wagner, Weaver.
  

Let's go Cats!

Purdue 31, NU 10

Another poor offensive effort. Plus, this week we added "defense can't close ground or tackle" to our list of weaknesses. Purdue, along with Illinois in November, was probably one of two chances to get a Big Ten win this year. Right now I think we're looking at an 0-fer.

Apparently Sutton had a shoulder injury on his first carry. If that's true, then when it's added to other bangs and bruises, I can accept his lack of carries. Offense line problems and QBs who make good decisions are the other two issues on our side of the football. Maybe Bacher will make his first start on Saturday and solve that last problem.

The defense's poor tackling and positioning was a little bewildering, though. It's really the first time this year that we haven't been quick to make hits and attack the ball-carrier. Maybe the New Hampshire game was like that; I've blocked that out.

More after the jump.
Josh's StatWatch
NU Passing yards/attempt: 5.5 yds/att (better than 6.5 = good)

Record after Game 5:
Josh's prediction: 0 wins (5-2 predicting individual outcomes)
NU Record: 2-5

And
In My Opinion:
Cats' O: Bacher is the only balanced QB we have right now. Maybe next year the job goes to Kafka, but now it's gotta be Bacher for the rest of the year. Remember Herbert? Throw. Him. The. Ball.
Cats' D: We're really missing Heinz, what with the bad tackling in zone defenses.
Cats' Special Teams: Nice FG by Howells. Pretty good punting too. Sherick McMannis is a quick guy, which is nice.

Let's go Cats!

Purdue Whether Report

Say Josh, tell me whether...

...the you think you know how many points it will take to beat Purdue this weekend.
I think it takes at least 24 points, barring a special defensive performance.

...the Cats have it in them to score that many points.
They do.

...they can do it in just one game.
Aren't you funny. They can do it, but it's going to take improvement across the board.

...you caught that kid, Aponavicius, at BC, last night.
That was pretty sweet. Especially because VaTech was so pissed to lose that game, too. Excellent.

...there's a better name out there than Aponavicius.
Probably not. If his name wasn't Steve, but Suicivanopa, that would be better. Palindromes are really the best.

...it's picky-picky time.
Damn right it is. The line: Purdue -7, O/U 52.5. The pick: NU 25, PU 20.

Cats win!

Purdue Weather Forecast

After Thursday's near-record low temperatures, the ApostroCats and Boilerplaters will look forward the relative balm of Saturday's mid-to-high 40s clime. Northwestern, used to the stinging lake-front winds, will play in shorts and tank tops (and flip flops.) The freedom of motion will allow them to take their offense to another level, and the defense will be liberated from the usual jersey-grabbing in the trenches.

Purdue, on the other hand, will be used to the southern breezes that October usually affords their hometown in usually-tropical Indiana. They will play in parkas, turtlenecks, snowpants and hip-waders. If you've never seen hip-waders with cleats, you should not miss this one. The extra padding will keep them warm, and the Boilers will absorb hits with ease, but lack of flexibility will hurt them more than anticipated.

Cats win!

Purdue Preview

Yay! The Wildcats (2-4, 0-2) are back home where they belong! Don't get me started on 3-game roadtrips; I'm just happy that I get to go to a game, and that hopefully we'll start a new winning trend.

This week, Northwestern takes on the Purdue Boilerplaters. Seriously, for a team with a spread offense, Purdue (4-2, 1-1) is the most boring team to watch. I mean, I'd rather go back in time 10 years and watch Nebraska play Navy (imaginary combined play total: 95 rush, 3 pass). But they do have some experience in that offense, so here's what we have to watch for.

• Curtis Painter (#12) is the junior quarterback. Despite some shaky times when he started his college career, Painter is off to a pretty good start this year.
• Kory Sheets (#24) and Jaycen "With a Y-C-E, No Really" Taylor (#33) seem to share the running load.
• Wideout Dorien "Gray" Bryant (#9), tight end Dustin Keller (#28), and receiver Selwyn Lymon (#1) are Painter's three favorite targets with over 400 yards each in receiving.
  

More after the jump.

The more (names) you know:

• Jeff Lindsay (LB, #46) and Jonte Lindsay (CB, #40) - I don't think these guys are related, but finally we get some solid girls' names. Also? Torri Williams (S, #2).
  
• Kris Staats (WR, #87) - If only his first name was Bob or Amanaplanacanalpanama. Or, even better: Staat.
• Joe Whitest (Wr, #83) - Um.
• Baker, Dubler, Fincher, Huber, Keglar, Keller, Lampert, Lecklider, Miller, Nwaneri, Painter, Pender, Prater, Sester, Spencer, Taylor, Werner - One of these names is not like the others!
  

Go Cats!

Wisconsin 41, NU 9

Well, like all of you who weren't at the game on Saturday, I only had the radio to guide me through the Cats' loss to Wisconsin. Regardless of whether it NUIT's fault or ESPN's fault that the game wasn't available on campus, one thing is clear. ESPN360 is the most useless sports product in existence. I think ESPN Mobile may have given it a run for it's money, but that service is now history.

As for the game itself. My impression is that this was a game like many others so far this season (and more to come). A decent start for the offense, followed by a pile of nothing. Are we predictable? Are we untalented? Are we physically unfit and wear down after 30 minutes? I think the answers are Maybe, No, and No. So what are we doing to have such little success.

The defense got off to a bad start, and pulled itself together a little bit later on in the game. But allowing a veteran QB to complete 16/21 is going to always kill us. That's just begging for the opposition to move down the field at will.

And on offense, the key stat is 2 of 11 on 3rd down conversions. We're not going to score if we can't put together drives. That's a combination of play-calling on the sideline (on every down) and decision-making on the field.

More after the jump.
Josh's StatWatch
NU Passing yards/attempt: 3.9 yds/att (better than 6.5 = good)

Record after Game 5:
Josh's prediction: 0 wins (4-2 predicting individual outcomes)
NU Record: 2-4

And
In My Opinion:
Cats' O: I'm aching to see Bacher get some time if Brewer can't score on Purdue. Only if Sutton is healthy. If he's not, we may need Brewer's legs more than ever.
Cats' D: Man, cut and paste what I said last week. Give these guys some time to catch air on the sidelines.
Cats' Special Teams: Hey, Howells made a FG! Oh, he missed a PAT. And all hail Sherick McMannis on KO returns.

Let's go Cats!

Wisconsin Whether Report

Say Josh, tell me whether...

...you were a little lazy about blogging this week.
Yeah. Up until today I was still uninspired following the Penn State loss. Also, the inability to watch this game on the teevee takes away some of the thrill. Never before have I more eagerly awaited the nascence of The Big Ten Channel.

...there was any other reason you didn't blog much.
Well, on Tuesday I started eating all the sushi I could eat. That ended up taking until Wednesday afternoon, which was unexpected.

...the ApostroCats have much of a chance against Wisconsin tomorrow.
I think that if we can keep the game close (maybe with good D, or with ball/clock control via running) it could be enough to take the win. We're not gonna out-gun them.

...you're still going to pick the Cats, like always.
There's a reason they call it "always." Probably. The Cats are disfavored by about 20.5 points, and the O/U is 43 points. I'm going to go with NU 15, Wisconsin 14.

Wisconsin Weather Forecast

The first Saturday in October will be a litte brisk in Madison, WI. Locals will feel the cool weather a little more than visiters from across the border in Illinois. Why? Recent studies have shown that most Madisonians are not badgers; they are, in fact, badger-shaped lizards. The cold-blooded Wisconsin fans will be nestled in their underground lairs and will probably miss the game.

With an advantage in the stands, and a physiological advantage to boot, the Cats will take a lead into halftime. The "Badgers" will not want to leave the warmth of their locker room, and they will forfeit after halftime.

Cats win!

Wisconsin Preview

I'm not sure I can do a better preview that Hodges, and I'm kind of running out of time this week, so here's what he has to say about the Cats playing the Badgers. Now, I can concentrate on what I do best: making fun of people for things they can't really help.

• Prince Moody (#31, DB) - Get ready to be Kwateng'd my friend!
• Paul Standring (#97, P) - The last (maybe) in a long line of Big Ten kickers. We miss you J.J.
• Culmer St. Jean (#14, DB) - Look. I don't like to make snap judgements about people. But is the worst football name in the history of everything.
• John Stocco (#7, QB) - Still waiting for his mexican food establishment? "Where you at?" "John Stocco's for John's tacos."
• Weininger, Walker, Turner, Stellmacher, Sherer, Schober, Rentmeester, Holzbauer, Garner, Foster, DeCremer (hee), Cooper, Carter,
  

Let's go Cats!

PSU 33, NU 7

So, what exactly were we missing on Saturday at Penn State? Well, a whole hell of a lot of things, but I'm choosing to dwell on a popular topic. Rushing.

We seem to be totally committed to not running the ball. Seriously, Tyrell Sutton? He was everyone's darkhorse Heisman candidate. He gets 8 carries in a Big Ten road game? Give me a break. Only 11 rushes by our running backs combined. There's no way to explain that strategy other than that our offensive coaches got desperate when we were down.

Maybe they need a remedial course in offensive strategy. As always I'm happy to oblige.

1. Run the ball early: get positive yards and get your legs under you.
   
2. Run the ball to set up the pass: play-action plays, or good old-fashioned passes when they pack the box against the run.
3. Run the ball toset up the run: defensive linemen get tired throughout the game and 1st-quarter 3-yard gains become 4th-quarter 8-yarders.
   

I don't really fault our defense too much from Saturday. They were out there for at least 20-25 plays more than they should have been. PSU ran 83 plays to our 58. That's just gonna kill any defense.

More after the jump.
Josh's StatWatch
NU Passing yards/attempt: 5.2 yds/att (better than 6.5 = good)

Record after Game 5:
Josh's prediction: 0 wins (3-2 predicting individual outcomes)
NU Record: 2-3

And
In My Opinion:
Cats' O: I can deal with any QB you throw out there, just give him worthwhile plays!
Cats' D: They were just fine for about 30 minutes. After that, they had to be breathing hard and cursing the offense.
Cats' Special Teams: Not much to say. Didn't let us down, but they never had the chance.

Let's go Cats!

BenJarvus Green-Ellis Update

I have heard your pleas. "What ever happened to our favorite multi-multi-named Big Ten running back?" That was what your pleas sounded like.

Well, apparently BenJarvus Four-Namus is now playing for Ole Miss. They're playing a good game against Georgia right now, so good for him.

Now back to your regularly scheduled worrying about other former Indiana Hoosiers. Where have you gone, Matt LoVecchio? Courtney Roby turns his lonely eyes to you.

Penn State Whether Report

Say Josh, tell me whether...

...you're still disappointed about the Nevada loss.
I'm always disappointed about every loss. But I got over this one quickly.

...you'll ever watching another game at Tom's house.
Not for a little while, I think. We've gotta vacate the jinx first.

...you're going to write a road trip guide for the PSU game.
Yeah right. Road trips to Penn State are like a rite of passage. You do it once, and then you never speak of it again. I did mine 8 years ago, and I fall asleep driving just thinking about it.

More after the jump.

...Paul Pozluszny is the best LB in the Big Ten.
To me, PP suffers from Ray Lewis Syndrome. Other notable LBs with RLS include A.J. Hawk and Chad Greenway. Symptoms include: every made tackle is described as a wonder of modern football; every missed tackle is glossed over and completely forgotten by the public.

...you're going to quickly wrap things up this week.
Yeah. I wanna start saving a little brainpower for work (just for a week or two, I promise). The spread keeps climbing, but let's call it at PSU -19 1/2. O/U is around 41.5. I'm going to take the ApostroCats (suprised?): NU 21, PSU 20.

Is he me? Am I him?

Was alerted to the following:

www.joshuaheld.com

I'm pretty sure this guy resides in Italy, so there's little chance of us getting confused for each other. But let there be no mistake. I am the original. Never to be beaten.

More on this story as it unfolds.

Penn State Weather Forecast

On Saturday, in State College, PA, college football fans can expect to see similar conditions to last week in Columbus, OH. Specifically, there will be a frequently-sprinting Joe Paterno.

In the first quarter, with heavy cloud cover overhead, the Penn State coach will seek additional warmth. A slow sprint to the locker room will allow him to bask in the glow of a fire kindled by the resumes of coaches applying for his job.

Shortly after halftime, the skies will open for a smattering of rain. The Nittany Ferret mascot will see what he thinks is a bedraggled rat, and he will chase it around the field until he (the ferret) gets tired. Willie will have no interest in this spectacle, because he will be busy dining on raw lion meat.

As the youngest and oldest coaches in D-IA complete their post-game handshake, the sun will burst through! Forgetting what exactly the rules are for vampires, Paterno will try to shield the sun's harmful rays by by imbibing Fitz's succulent blood. Naturally, Coach will flee across the field & he will escape when Joe Pa gets lost between the 35- and 40-yard lines.

Cats win!

Penn State Preview

Well, Northwestern had a 1-week delay to prepare for the Big Ten season. Was last week's loss to Nevada a good tune-up (albeit a loss) or just another swipe at the Cats' already battered knees? The world may never know, but this weekend at Penn State is likely to be an even tougher challenge.

Nevada did not have a stellar defense; witness 246 rushing yards for NU. PSU's defense averages just over 80 rushing yards allowed. The Cats had 21 points despite 5 turnovers last week. You'd think that would be promising; Just cut down on the turnovers! If the good part of that offense shows up against Penn State (which scores just about 23 points per game) it might be close. If the ball-coughing part shows, look out for a long day.

More after the jump.

Who all you need to know...

• Anthony "Tony" Morelli - The Penn State QB is not outstanding, but he's experienced. He's got as many TDs as INTs.
• Tony "Anthony" Hunt - The Lions' main rushing threat. He averages almost 6 yards per carry, and has a couple TDs.
• Paul "I'm the only Big Ten linebacker anyone can name now" Pusluszny - Yeah. This LB is pretty good, but he's way WAY overrated.

Who all you want to know...

• BranDon Snow (#30, RB) - I guess he's not running a lot for them now, but the senior has stupid caps in his name, and always makes the list.
• Knowledge Timmons (#21, CB) and Brent Wise (#15, CB) - Please tell me these two are in the same defensive backfield. And the same kinesiology class.
• Baker, Butler, Connor, Ganter, Lawlor, Ohmberger, Ridenhour, Shuler, Weber - .

Let's go Cats!

Nevada 31, NU 21

Well, bleh. 5 turnovers, and we only got one our own. There are some silver linings, though, so why don't we concentrate on them.

Deante Battle has been playing better over the last two weeks. Ever since a poor performance (according to me) against New Hampshire, he's been hitting harder and covering better. Plus he came up with that one pick.

4 more sacks. Brings our season total to about 10 or 11, I think. If we're going to be relying on our defense to keep us in games, sacks and other TFL will be the key to stopping drives.

Improved passing from Kafka (other than the picks) and good team rushing make you believe that if the offense and defense both picked it up at the same time, we could win a couple conference games.

More after the jump.

Josh's StatWatch
NU Passing yards/attempt: 5.8 yds/att (better than 6.5 = good)

Record after Game 4:
Josh's prediction: 0 wins (2-2 predicting individual outcomes)
NU Record: 2-2

And
In My Opinion:
Cats' O: This was what we need, but with added INTs. Get rid of them.
Cats' D: Not an easy offense to stop, but they did enough. The offense should have won this one.
Cats' Special Teams: 0-2 on FGs is not really a surprise. Other kicking and coverage was just fine.

Let's go Cats!

Nevada Whether Report

Say Josh, tell me whether...

...this whole Ken Jennings things has gone to your head a little.
I don't think I'd say that, no.

...you're currently wearing your "I'm special now that I've been linked on ken-jennings.com" tshirt.
Only because my "I was linked on ken-jennings.com & and all I got..." shirt is in the wash.

...you've been able to tear yourself away from self-adoration to think about the Nevada game.
Oh totally. My main thoughts concern our defense. I think they will be able to stand up against Nevada. I like the 3-4 and I hope we use it well to let our LBs make good, quick reads and stop plays.

...there's been any word on who starts at QB for the Cats.
I haven't seen anything, but I think you've gotta start Kafka. Our offense is the most effective (as is any spread offense) when we threaten to complete plays to all parts of the field. That means long and middle passes have to be in the arsenal, and Brewer just doesn't have them yet. Kafka might not either, but at least people may think he does.

More after the jump.

...Nevada's "pistol" formation is the only weaponry they've got.
Actually, they'll also employ the "flash-bang," in which all the DLs and LBs jump and scream at the snap, but they don't actually do any damage.

...any other future opponents will use similar ord'nance.
I'm pretty sure OSU uses the "Gatling Ginn" and U of I runs most plays out of the "pop-gun" formation.

..there's a line on this game.
No. There's no interest in gambling in Reno, NV. But if there were, it would be UNR -7, O/U 47.

...you're still going to pick the Cats, even when they're the dogs.
Aren't you the clever one. Yes. I say NU 21, Nevada 19. NU prevents a 2-point try at the end to keep the Wolfpack from tying it up.

Cats win!

Nevada Weather Forecast

So, we need two weather forecasts for tomorrow's game, since some of you may be in Reno while others may be staying home in Chicago.

In Reno, the forecast calls for nickel-sized hail. Get out your change cups and collect it for the slots. There's a machine on the back of every seat in Mackay Stadium. Now, the under-age Nevada players (Wolfpackers?) will not be interested in such pursuits, but the legal ones will pause to partake of the serendipitous arts. Too bad two of those seniors are the QB and RB. Hey buddy! Game's over there!

In Chicago, you'll be watching the game on ESPN2 (The Doi). The weather in each individual living room and sports bar may vary, but your psychic vibrations as you concentrate on the game will urge the ApostroCats on to great things. Wear your lucky sock, because that's the key to the whole psychic vibration deal.

Cats Win!

Celebrinerd Update

You all laughed when I wrote yesterday that the word "celebrinerd" would bring me great fame and fortune. Well, the fortune may be slower in coming, but the fame is about as big as it can get. I mean, how many of you got linked in Ken's blog post today? Well, maybe you did, like the people linked below, but otherwise HA!

It may not seem like much to you now, but just wait until my internet stardom launches me to a hosting job on Nickelodeon Games and Sports. I love that network! Channel 215 on your digital cable dial. I can't believe I'm missing Figure it Out right now while at "work". But I guess that makes me an oblivinerd, or something.

Hope any new readers are having fun here. Go Cats! Beat the Wolfpack!

Where there's a Will [ken-jennings.com]
Celebrinerds [Immodest Proposals]
Another day, another made up word [Owner of the BFT]

Nevada Preview

You know what we haven't had in a while? A good quarterback controversy at Northwestern (2-1). Depending on what Coach Fitzgerald decides to do on Friday, we may have one now that Andrew Brewer has seen major playing time. My 2 cents: Kafka is a threat to throw the ball around the field, which is something that Brewer hasn't shown. Even if Kafka hasn't been great, we have to start the game with that possibility. It will open up the field, like a good spread offense should. But don't be afraid to use Brewer as a decoy or for more options.

Nevada (1-2) hasn't really shown a ton of defense this year, so hopefully we'll have a chance to improve our scoring out in Reno. On the other side of the ball, we may have our hands full with the Wolfpack's "pistol formation" offense. The pistol is shorter than the shotgun. GET IT?! So the QB is set about 2-3 steps back from the LoS and receives a shotgun-style snap. The idea is to give the quarterback more vision than he would have under center, but it retains the ability of the running back to receive the handoff while already in motion toward the line. This seems to work for Nevada, which has a good passing game and an adequate running attack.

More on the players after the jump.

Whooo are they? Who-oo, who-oo:

• At QB, #3 Jeff Rowe. He's a senior with a ton of experience, and he's getting better every year.
• At wideout, look for Caleb Spencer (#87) as the fave and Mike McCoy (#89) as the scary big play guy.
• The running is done by #19, Robert Hubbard, along with Rowe.

Come to Reno for the Cowboy Poetry Gathering, stay for the people with funny names:

• Daniel (DL, #96) and Nate (DL, #97) Agaiava, Jason (LB, #33) and Mike (OL. #59) DeMars, & Danny (DL, #92) and Jimmy (OL, #76) Wadhams - I just think brother who play for the same school are cool, is all.
• Brandon Walsh (DL, #71) - Look, I'm not saying I ever watched any particular 90s teen drama. But this guy probably has awesome hair and a hot sister.
• Erics Clark (DE, #48) - A perfect anagram for Eric Clarks! Seriously, do you think his parents were expecting twins, but there was only one of him? Erics?
• Jonathan Amaya (DB, #49) - Possibly our good friend Hodges, sent back from the future to fight crime in Reno?
• A.J. Slater (OL, #64) - Love child of Albert and Jessie? I hope he has AC's smarts and Ms. Spano's wrestling ability.
  
• Bender, Butler, Fragger, Fuhr, Macrander, Miller, Porter, Sevor, Slater, Spencer, Villasenor, Viser, Walker
  

Let's go Cats!

A Sacrilicious Spamwich

Just trying to help the cause of "celebrinerd" in its quest to lexicographic stardom. Why would I want to do that? Not just for the inherent fame and fortune that I'm sure to amass, but also because Ken Jennings said so. Lucky he's not as attractive as Jodie Foster, or...

OK, I'm not going to finish that statement, because it wouldn't be the right kind of funny. I mean, I'd love to have greater blog-readership, but I don't want it to consist of too many government intelligence agents. Hi guys! Go Cats!

Anyway. celebrinerd celebrinerd celebrinerd celebrinerd celebrinerd celebrinerd celebrinerd celebrinerd celebrinerd. Good night.

Adding twinsult to twinjury [ken-jennings.com]
Daysleeper [ken-jennings.com]

NU 14, Eastern Michigan 6

We've seen better, and we've seen worse from Northwestern than what they showed on Saturday. I suppose the defense had a good game. I mean, they only allowed 47 yards through the air. That's gotta be a record for us over the last 5 seasons. Plus they held the EMUs to less than 100 yards on the ground

And there were some nice offensive moments. Sutton looked good for flashes and both QBs had ups in addition to their downs. It just never felt like a good win, even if its gets us to 2-1 and chance to enter conference play with a healthy .500 or better record.

Friday night at Nevada we'll face another good offense, and our run defense will be tested. If they play like they did against EMU, we'll be 3-1 and this will look like the start of a good stretch. If we fall apart, it will look like we're in for a long year.

More after the jump.

Josh's StatWatch
NU Passing yards/attempt: 4.2 yds/att (better than 6.5 = good)

Record after Game 3:
Josh's prediction: 0 wins (1-2 predicting individual outcomes)
NU Record: 2-1
Yeah, I totally should have subtracted a Basanez Factor and set this at 5.5 for this year. But I'll stick it out and see how it goes.

And
In My Opinion:
Cats' O: Execution totally lacking by QBs. Our runners run well. Mostly blocking is good. Gotta get those guys (or one of them anyway) on the ball for a full 60 minutes.
Cats' D: Just like against Miami. Our defense will handle bad offenses this year.
Cats' Special Teams: Pretty good kicking, but not a lot for them to do this week. No returns to speak of, thanks to good EMU kicking.

Let's go Cats!

Eastern Michigan Whether Report

Say Josh, tell me whether...

...you've completely gotten over last week's loss.
I wouldn't say "completely," so let's go with "sufficiently."

...you really know anything about at all Eastern Michigan.
The main thing I know is that they should really be called the Emus. Or maybe the Emu. Eagles is way overused when it doesn't apply to the Iggles.

...there are any other good options for their team nickname.
Actually, after writing what I just did, I checked out emueagles.com. They used to be called the Normalites. Please, please, please go back to that name, EMU!

...you're a little starved for ideas today.
Yeah, can you tell?

...you're going to an old standby?
Here it comes! Fight song parody!

Parody and prediction after the jump.

Here's the tune, and here's my words:
Eastern emus, what can you do?
Go back home to ole EMU!
Look to the sky, the emus can't fly!
You'll feel like you could cry.

Cats eat birds dressed in green and white
Should have stayed a Normalite!
Go crawl back to Ypsilanti
Cats win today! (Go Cats!)

...you ever wanna hear that song again.
Oh God no. Twice on Saturday will be more than enough.

...it's pick time!
Sure is. The line is around NU -17.5, O/U 52. I'm being a little more conservative, since the ApostroCats have made the under about 10 times in a row. Let's say NU 24, EMU 13.

Eastern Michigan Weather Forecast

It's a "Survivor" weather prediction, for tomorrow at Dyche, full of segregation and eventually you become uncomfortable.

In the first quarter, it will be sunny and warm. Nice for football. Then NUMB will play Stacy's Mom between quarters. As the clock starts to roll on the 2nd, it will instantaneously become cool and overcast. Nice for football. At halftime, the band will play a Stacy's Mom show including: Stacy's Mom, Stacy's Mambo, and Stacy's Mom (reprise).

The 2nd half kickoff will mark the start of the rain. It will rain steadily and harshly for 15 football minutes. Nice for football, iffy for fans. After NUMB plays Hey Baby,..just kidding, they play Stacy's Mom, natural gas and fire will pour forth from the heavens for the entire fourth quarter. Nice for football, gradual painful death for fans. Look forward to seeing you all there!

Cats win!

From the Things I Should Have Read a Year Ago Department

How to Dissuade Yourself from Becoming a Blogger. [wikiHow]

Eastern Michigan Preview

After a bad game against New Hampshire, it's time to face off against another team that's closer to Canada than we are. While I'm as disappointed as anyone about the result last weekend, the good face I've chosen to put on it is this: the Cats are all experienced athletes at various (mostly high) levels of competition. They won't dwell on a bad game like I do. So moving on...

What do the ApostroCats (1-1) need to do better against Eastern Michigan (0-2) than they did last week? Just execute. The game plan wasn't so bad, but bad circumstances and bad execution were too much. Pass defense, especially, will need to step up to the same level it had against Miami.

Special teams, especially kick blocking, was still good, so let's see more of that. And when we force a turnover? Give the damn ball to Tyrell and let him make big plays right away!

More on EMU after the jump.

Eagles to watch Saturday:

• 2 QBs - Tyler Jones (#8) and Andy Schmitt (#7). Jones is also the team's leading rusher, through two games.
• Eric Deslauriers (WR, #19) has 16 catches in two games. He's from Quebec, so all those french taunts you've been saving for Pierre Thomas? Break'em out.
• On defense - Kevin Howe (DL, #88), Darren Matthews (LB, #42) and Chris May (S, #22) are guys we'll prefer not to see.

Eagles to watch Sunday:

• McNabb
• Stalworth
• The giant eagle that pecks off Eli Manning's face

And the rest (of the funny-named):

• Courtney Ford (OL, #75) - Finally a girl's name!
• Eric Deslauriers (WR, #19) - It's french for "the layers." Never gets old.
• Lorenzo Seaberry (WR, #31) - This is also my favorite Cap'n Crunch flavor.
• Bleeker, Bonner, Conner, Cranor, Downer, Hunter (hee), Mayner, Minor, Montemayor, Walker - Montemayor? Dirty!

Let's go Cats!

New Hampshire 34, NU 17

Ugh. I don't really want to write about this so much. Losses aren't usually so depressing, but this one totally was. So, I'll just get to the usual business, and move on to next week's EMU (heh, emu) game.

Josh's StatWatch
NU Passing yards/attempt: 5.3 yds/att (better than 6.5 = good)

Record after Game 2:
Josh's prediction: 0 wins (1-1 predicting individual outcomes)
NU Record: 1-1

And
In My Opinion:
Cats' O: Decision-making by coaches, play-making by Kafka et. al. We needs them.
Cats' D: UNH were maybe a tough team to prepare for. But no more excuses from now on.
Cats' Special Teams: Not the reason we lost. Some problems (like that fumble) but weather was an issue, so it's forgiven. Howells was fine for the 2nd week.

Let's go Cats!

New Hampshire Whether Report

Say Josh, tell me whether...

...you're psyched about another home opener in Evanston.
Very totally psyched, yes.

...you're psyched about losing money in poker last weekend.
Not really psyched, I don't think. But I'd never played for $$$ before, so it wasn't a surprise.

...we should be at all worried about playing New Hampshire.
It's kind of hard to know. Yes, they're a good (great?) I-AA program, and maybe they're eyeing a move to I-A. But there's very little analysis of this game, beyond what I just said.

More after the jump.

...there are NU injuries.
Ick. Heinz and Ngene are out again. McManis is out (did he play much last week?) and C.J. Bacher is more legless than before, so don't expect to see him at all.

...there's a line for this game.
Actually, it doesn't look like there is one. I'm gonna have to go native on this pick.

...people actually made football picks before there were spreads.
I guess they must have. It's hard to believe, but it's like how people somehow used to get into cold swimming pools before they invented waterslides.

...you're making a pick.
I don't feel like it's going out on a limb to pick NU here. I'm gonna go with NU 31, UNH 10.

New Hampshire Weather Forecast

The ApostroCats' first home game in 2006 should be graced by similar weather as the season-opener in Ohio. Except for, you know, there will be sun. But there may be a couple oddities that prognosticators (me) attribute to the out-of-division opponent.

More aardvark activity is expected in Evanston on Saturday. It's also possible that James Caan and Aaron Sorkin will be in town discussing an upcoming TV collaboration: Bazaar.

Cats Win!

p.s. The first person to identify the joke gets ten (10) sprinkles of magical internet dust. Guaranteed not a guarantee to make your connection faster!

New Hampshire Preview

Northwestern (1-0) takes on the University of New Hampshire (0-0) in the Wildcats' 2006 Dyche Stadium debut. Let's all make the joke together: Which Wildcats? Yes, UNH's team nickname is also Wildcats. To prevent confusion, why don't we all agree to call Northwestern the Cats (of ApostroCats, if you like) and UNH the cAAts. Get it? Good.

After a good-but-not-great win at Miami last Thursday, Northwestern will be seeking to the answers to two very basic questions on Satuday against the cAAts:

1. Defense good?
2. Offense good?

Is our D improved enough to stop a cohesive and prolific offense, albeit one from I-AA? Does our offense have enough pure talent and fundamental skill to take apart an average-to-good I-AA defense?

UNH players to watch, after the jump.

There are two cAAts on offense that matter most to the Cats:

• QB, Ricky Santos (#2) - 7,115 passing yards in two years. Yeah.
• WR, David Ball (#3) - 3,541 receiving yards in three years. Again, yeah.

I don't know where this fits in, but it's kind of awesome. Where do the cAAts lift weights? The Jerry Azumah Performance Center.

Some names to know. This will mean you don't even need to say "cAAts." You can yell, "Matt, Mike, Jim, & Jim VII!" if you prefer:

• Glen Waldron (OL, #73) - Not the Glen Waldron I went to school with, however.
  
• Omar Thomas, Tom Neill, Terell Lewis, Kyle Lewis, Matt Henry - Two first names does not a whole name make.
• Cory Dix (DL, #93) - I don't write 'em, I just...write 'em? Moving along!
• Keith LeVan (WR, #19) - It's french for "the van." The more you know.
  
• Asker, Couturier, Dozler, Duper, Palmer, Pammer, St. Peter, Taylor, Trotter, Wagner - Hee. Palmer.

Go Cats!

NU 21, Miami (OH) 3

Hip hip! Hooray? I confess that I missed the first 20 minutes of the ApostroCats' season opener in Oxford -- damn you, Indiana freeways, with your rain and tire demons! -- but it doesn't look like I missed much. I realize that with all the emotion in the months and hours leading up to the game, a little early letdown may have been inevitable, but let's leave that excuse behind us now.

The freshman QB excuse is a little longer-lasting, I think. But let's pay attention to the 2nd half, and expect more from Mike Kafka. He looked good on the drive for the TD pass to Sutton. More of that please?

But the happiest story was the defense! I loved using lots of 3-4 and mixing up pass-rushing schemes. I've always thought that we should use our depth at LB and get more of them on the field. The pressure and speed we displayed should do well through the non-conference slate, where teams won't be able to prepare for our D. Promising!

More after the jump.

Josh's StatWatch
NU Passing yards/attempt: 6.2 yds/att (better than 6.5 = good)

Record after Game 1:
Josh's prediction: 0 wins (0-1 predicting individual outcomes)
NU Record: 1-0

And
In My Opinion:
Cats' O: Jordan & Sutton should be great together. Sutton needs to overcome his new-found marquee status.
Cats' D: 3-4! 4-3! 2-4 nickel! Keep the options open and keep the sacks coming. 5 sacks!
Cats' Special Teams: Well, it could have been worse. Better punt coverage is biggest need. And maybe let's try a FG just to see.

Let's go Cats!

Miami Whether Report

Say Josh, tell me whether...

...you want to start with an easy one.
Please.

...you correctly predicted Coach Fitzgerald's QB pick.
I def totes did.

...you've got a "Basanez, Uh Huh, I Like It"-caliber song set for Mike Kafka
Well, for now, I think we can repurpose that classic MJ-Gatorade "(I Wanna) Be Like Mike." I'm still working on it, though. I hope for a better one soon.

More whether, and my pick after the jump.

...there's any roster news of note.
Well, Kim Thompson and Frayne Abernathy are out for about a month each. Also David Ngene is out for at least 1 game. Maybe more importantly, Ivan Tolic is back on the basketball team! This can only be good. 7 more years!

...there is anything else the world needs to know about Miami.
I understand that it's a dry campus. This might surprise you, but I think that's a good thing. Just think how great life would be if there were no rain. They must have the most on-schedule baseball team in the country!

...you've got a line on the game.
I'm seeing NU -4, O/U 56.

...you're making a pick.
I say NU27, Miami 20.

Miami Weather Forecast

The weather for the Wildcats' 2006 opener in Ohio is projected to be august. No, not August. I'm not talking about mid-80s in the day with a cool night breeze overnight lows in the low 60s. I'm talking august, adj,: inspiring mingled reverence and admiration.

So the august weather? Yeah, if you're in Oxford you're gonna be genuflecting when you are in the presense of the weather. You'll be worried about what the weather thinks of your attitude and trying to curry its favour.

Not surprising that conditions like that follow the Cats wherever they go. Maybe I should just copy this entry 6 times this year.

Cats win!

Miami Road Trip Guide

The first road trip opportunity of 2006 comes up right out of the chute, so here are the 3 most important things you'll need to know if you're joining me to see the ApostroCats dismantle the Imbredhawks:

More after the jump.

Location: As everyone knows, Miami of Ohio is neither a pea nor a nut...wait, maybe that's for cashews. Right, Miami is neither in Miami nor in Ohio. MU plays in lovely Oxford, England. It's just a 5-1/2 hour drive from Evanston, so you've got no excuse not to go.

Location: Namely, the location of your purple summerwear. Even though this will be a night game, it's still on August 31st. So those purple anoraks, purple crampons, and purple wooly mammoth-skin pants from last winter's road trip? Leave them at home in favor of purple speedos, purple aquasocks, and purple oversized novelty sunglasses.

Location: Usually, the visiting crowd gets shunted off to a distant part of the home stadium. At Yager Stadium, I think we'll actually be represented by a different congressman than the MU faithful. So, vigorous and pithy cheering is a must if you want to get your point across. Here are some suggestions:

• "Your campus is so dry that the champagne is particularly exquisite! Too bad you can't have any!"
• "Roethlisberger? I hardly even know 'er!"
• "Roethlisberger? I hardly even know the basics of motorcycle safety!"
• I think there's a Ben and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance joke here, but I can't quite form it.
  
• Now from some old crankitude, from an old crank...
• "Cats eat birds! Cats eat birds! We are Cats! You are birds! We eat you! You are dumb!"
• That is the end of the cheer. Each added word is punishable by pillorying.

See y'all in Oxford!

Miami Preview

Welcome to the first 2006 installment of my many-times-per-week Northwestern Football Notebook. Normally, I'll try to give a game preview midweek before the game and the weather and whether reports on Friday. Reviews of games-that-were happen after the games-that-have-been. Got it?

If you haven't seen my 3-part NU season preview, go check that out and come back. That'll save some time today. Update: It sounds like Kafka is the starter against Miami. No official word yet, though.

More after the jump.

Here's what you need to know about our first opponent, the Redhawks of Miami (OH). Miami was a strong MAC team last year, going 5-3 in conference and 7-4 overall. They did it with a nice combination of O & D, scoring 33.7 ppg and allowing only 23.5. BUT they only return 2 starters on defense and 5 on offense from 2005.

Key Losses:

• Starting QB Josh Betts
• 9 of the top 10 leading tacklers from 2005

Players to watch against NU

• QB Mike Kokal (not the jazz pianist)
• 2005 leading rusher Brandon Murphy
• 2005 leading receiver Ryne Robinson
• Joey Card (DB), last year's 2nd-leading tackler

Players to mock against NU, solely because of their names

• Peris Edwards (DB, #28) - Just, you know, read and write that name carefully.
• Rion Robinson (LB, #46) & Ryne Robinson (WR, #2) - Do you think they were both named Ryan and each had to change his name to avoid confusion? I don't. But you do now.
• Tranaine Sills (DL, #90) & Frank Wiwo (DB, #5) - Not so much their names -- although Tranaine Wiwo Held will be my first-born -- but their high school: Northwestern H.S. in Miami, FL. Confused much, boys?
• Decker, Meister, Mester, Miller, Miller, Painter, Potter, Rummler, Sutter - I hardly even know 'er! From here on out, that joke will be implied.

Go Cats!

Josh's StatWatch. Now taking all comers.

Up through last year, I was having a little informal competition with Randy Walker. He may not have known it, but we were squaring off in the Football Win-Prediction Statistic arena. With his passing, and in the absence of an opinion on the topic from Coach Fitzgerald, I am opening this up to all challengers. How it works after the jump.

More after the jump.

Here's my stat: Yards per Pass Attempt (YPA). Greater than 6.5 y/a predicts a win. Less than 6.5 predicts a loss. Last year I was 11-1 predicting individual outcomes.

Your challenge? Suggest a statistic -- it can be on the usual stat sheet, or it can be one you've come up with yourself -- and a metric to determine the W/L prediction. No fair choosing score differential or a boolean like

if WIN == YES
return win

I'll keep track of the results throughout the season. So, bring it!

NU 2006 Preview! Part III

In the final part of the general season preview, we get to perhaps the most intriguing side of the 2006 Wildcats. There are reasons to be excited: Tyrell Sutton and Ross Lane with a year of experience under their belts; a possible power running game with junior Frayne Abernathy. There are important questions to be answered: Which QB will lead the offense? Who will be the primary receiver? Will the veteran O-line hold up all season?

More after the jump.

I'll work my way out and back from the snap, this time.

Line'em up!: For 2006, Northwestern has its most experienced offensive line in years. While they're a little lighter than in the past, they still have an average weight of 301 pounds. The loss of OT Zach Strief will be tough, but he is replaced by junior Austin Matthews. Rounding out the line should be juniors Dylan Thiry (OT) and Trevor Rees (C) and senior OGs Ryan Keenan and Joe Tripodi. If the line stays healthy, it should offer good protection to whichever QB gets the nod. Indications are that last year's center, now a sophomore, Joe Belding will also see time.

Can You Hear Me Now?: Get it? It's about reception? So here's where I'm gonna talk about receivers. Ohhhhhhhh. Out wide, one hopes that Shaun Herbert keeps up his pace from last year when he led the team in yards and catches. In fact, every player that caught a pass for NU last year is returning this year, except for Fields an Philmore. I expect that Ross Lane and Kim Thompson will have good years and continue to improve. The biggest questions here are junior Tonjua Jones and FB/TE Erryn Cobb. Those two, with the other three mentioned, could make up a nice quintet of 6'-1"+ targets from the QB.

You say Tyrell. I say Terrell: Apparently, all of the RBs are healthy through Camp Kenosha. Obviously, Sutton is the opening day starter. He's already earning national attention, so let's hope is legs (and hands) are up for the challenge. Hopefully we'll see 2-back formations with Sutton-Roberson, Sutton-Abernathy or Sutton-Jordan with some frequency this year, which can only help Tyrell. It is likely that Nathan Shanks, Omar Conteh and Gerard Hamlett will only see special teams work.

The $64,000 Question: What's that position that gets the ball every play from the center? The spinning fullback? Well, whatever, that's the last one to cover here. First, let me say that I believe Coach Fitzgerald has made this decision already, and I think we'll hear about it before the end of the week. Now, here's my prediction: Mike Kafka as starter, with C.J. Bachér as his backup. I wouldn't be surprised to see both, or even all three, in the first couple games of the year.

NU 2006 Preview! Part II

Let's pick up the preview ball on the defensive side, shall we? I've never been accused of being a pessimist about the Cats, so no reason to start now. My general feeling is that the defense will improve (it almost has to) and it will be for a couple reasons.

First, while Coach Fitzgerald promises to follow Coach Walker's offensive intentions, he is cleary a defense-guy where Walk was an offense-guy.

Second, our defense will build from the backfield forward, rather than back from a strong line. Probably, this will keep us from getting killed on big plays, even if we can't stifle the run or get at the QB.

More after the jump.

Keeping with point the second, we'll work from the backfield.

3 Good Backs, and someone else: Led by seniors CB Marquice Cole and S Bryan Heinz, and supported by experienced sophomore S Brendan Smith, the secondary should be pretty solid to start the season. Now the post-spring 2-deep has Eric Peterman (WR anyone?) at the other corner, but it could obviously go to Cory Dious. As in, when Cory goes out on the field, I Dious a little inside. But either would be the weak-side corner.

You're off the Case, McGarigle: The linebacker mold at NU keeps getting well-filled, and this year we'll have senior Demetrious Eaton on the strong side, senior Nick Roach on the weak side, and junior Adam Kadela in the middle. Kadela is only a junior? Excellent. I feel great about the linebackers, as I always do. So great that I'm not bothered by Chris Malleo pencilled in as Nick's backup.

At Least they'll be Better Next Year?: No seniors on the D-Line. Mims and Ngene (soph and junior) will be on the ends. They had some moments last year, and I hope they have some more. Sophomore John Gill will probably be one tackle, and the other could be Keegan Kennedy (I'm sorry; Keegan is a 12-year-old girl's name.) or redshirt frosh Adam Hahn. Not much to say about this crew, unless Ngene or Mims really steps up. Could see a lot of 5-yard runs on 1st down.

NU 2006 Preview! Part I

Now that I've got my season tickets in my grubby little paws, it's officially almost time for some Northwestern football. God! It feels like it's been forever. Basketball and lacrosse kept my attention through June, but the malaisaic Phillies and US Soccer have left me longing for long snappers.

Speaking of which, why don't we start with the specials this time.

Special Teams and coaches after the jump.

Kicking and Screaming: Larscheid and and Howells. Words that flit through the breeze and alight upon the Wildcats kicking game. It seems we can't escape these two, so we may as well learn to love them. Yes, we may see Amado Villareal (P, PK) or Kyle Daley (P), but we shouldn't expect much from any of these.

Running (it) Back: Kick-offs may be Gerard Hamlett's only time to shine this year, if Sutton, Roberson and Jordan are all healthy. And Conteh and Shanks. Sorry Ham. The usual WR/CB punt returners are there, with Herbert and Cole in the roles of Patrick and Backes. Expect us to be in the top tier nationally in punt returning, barring injury.

Ahead of His Time: I think we all knew we'd see Pat Fitzgerald at the helm of BCS-conference team one day. And we all hoped it would be NU. Personally, I had him pencilled in to rise to Defensive Co-ordinator at Northwestern -- bringing the Cats' defense back to national attention for good reasons -- then getting tabbed as coach of another mid-range D-I team (MAC, maybe) before coming back to Evanston. Although all of that has been pushed ahead, the important thing with the season looming is this: are the guys gonna play for him? I'm sure that they will, and that a good start to the season will make him feel like a seasoned veteran by October.

The Premise

Here it is:

Ann and Annabelle get married. Wanting children, each carries and delivers an abandoned embryo from a fertility clinic. Thus, Ann and Annabelle begat Jon and Jonathan, respectively.

Then, A&A break up and marry Ed and Edward, respectively. Ann and Ed beget Ron; Annabelle and Edward beget Ronald. A&E and A&E share custody of J&J.

Then, the two A&E's break up. Ed and Edward are out of the picture, replaced by Ken and Kenneth. Respectively.

Then, Ann and Annabelle die in a fiery glider crash, leaving Ken and Kenneth with Jon, Ron, Jonathan, and Ronald.

In the aftermath of the deaths of A&A, K&K find love together and marry. Together, they have joint custody of their various step-sons.

I call it, The Aristocrats.
Or possibly, One Step at a Time.

Also, all their grandfathers are vampires.

I'm a little bit meta. [You're] a little bit rock 'n' roll.

Mostly this is a plug for Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, the quizzy sort of show on NPR. I whimfully subscribed to the podcast yesterday -- looking for a free alternative to CarTalk -- and I've been listening this morning. I've heard Barack Obama, Ken Jennings and Tom Hanks on the That's Not My Job segment, each of which was excellent.

In an unrelated portion of the show, spawning from discussion of Ken Jenning's blog, the following quote really struck home:

"I want to be the kind of person who is really creative and just has to blog it out. But there's so much poker on TV." - I don't know the voices well enough to give credit.

If I ever get tired of the Sutton business, that's going up in my headline.

Josh's Big Ten Predictions

I know what you're thinking...which will be the first Big Ten team in the Champs Sports Bowl? It's only natural to have these kinds of feelings. After all, the Big Ten kicks off play in a short 25 days. Well, I've got the answers for you. Full predicted standings after the jump, but here's the highlights:

Big Ten Champs: Iowa
Champs Sports Bowl*: Wisconsin (since you asked)
Northwestern? Insight Bowl

*Update: Of course, Penn State played in this game (twice) as the Blockbuster Bowl and Illinois as the MicronPC Bowl.

More after the jump.

 BigTen Overall   Bowl Game
Iowa 7-1 11-1   Rose
OSU 7-1 10-2   Capital One
PSU 7-1 10-2   Outback
Mich 6-2 9-3   Alamo
Wisc 5-3 9-3   Champs Sports
NU 3-5 7-5   Insight
Minn 3-5 6-6   Motor City
Ill 3-5 5-7
MSU 2-6 4-8
PU 1-7 4-9
Ind 1-7 3-9

We are Swazis. We come from the land of ketchup.

Amanda's 18-page journal from her winter vacation trip to Kruger and Swaziland just arrived. 18 pages is a lot to copy out by hand, so I get the only copy! MWAH HA HA HA! But being the kind friend that I am -- and because Amanda told me to -- I will be digitally or xerographically copying the letter for everyone who wants it.

Part I: Digital is right here. After the jump, you'll be able to download all 18 pages as a ZIP file, or individually as JPGs.

If this doesn't work for you, let me know and I'll put you on the Part II: Photocopy Boogaloo list. Photocopies to be made approximately whenever I get around to it at work.

Download the letter after the jump.

I'm using a kind of crappy file-hosting site. You'll have to wait ~10 seconds before you get the download link at the bottom of each page. Know a better way? Please let me know.

18-pages zipped (18.4 MB)

Page 1 (about 1 MB each)
Page 2
Page 3
Page 4
Page 5
Page 6
Page 7
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Ha ha, we get it. Now never do it again.

Tonight's lineup on Turner Classic Movies: (all times CDT)

7pm: The Maltese Falcon
9pm: The Wings of Eagles
11pm: To Kill a Mockingbird
1:15am: Yellow Canary
2:45am: The Fallen Sparrow

DO YOU GET IT?

Homeward bound

Two weeks ago, Stephanie Erickson ('98) was named the new women's soccer head coach at NU. A few days later, Pat Fitzgerald ('97) succeeded Randy Walker as the head football coach. Yesterday, Tavaras Hardy ('02) became an assitant to basketball coach Bill Carmody, forcing us all to learn once and for all that there are no Es in the name Tavaras Hardy.

So, who's the next Wildcat to get a seat at the coaching table? I think there are two answers to that question.

In terms of general hotness: Dana Leonard ('00), women's basketball. Pros: general hotness; probably the final straw in bringing Andy Shin stateside once more. Cons: She probably has a real job now, since she played, you know, women's basketball.

In terms of athletic excellence: Jake Herbert ('07?), wrestling. Pros: Currently the best wrestler in the Big Ten, and one of the best in the world. Cons: Currently a junior in college. I'd suggest using him in a student/coach/player/administrator type of role.

Listen up, Greenberg, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. (Part II)

OK. Maybe this counts as twice.

The problem in 2002 was that the managers forgot the rules of baseball. Guess what? There are extra innings in the event of a tie score after 9 innings! Who knew? You mean we shouldn't have used all 25 players through 9 innings of play?

Here's what MLB should do:

• For God's sake, base World Series advantage on regular season record
• Re-exhibitionize the All-Star game
  
• Instruct and remind All-Star managers that extra innings will be played
• Instruct the managers to select 3 "extra innings reserves"
• 2 pitchers, 1 other player
• EIRs in addition to regular roster
• Keep "Final Man" voting for fans
• "Final Man" is on regular roster
  
• EIRs have full All-Star status, with all rights and privileges
• EIRs become eligible to play following completion of the bottom of the 9th inning
• Limit the game to 15 innings

Change the number of EIRs or the number of extra innings, but this allows the managers to get all the guys in without too much worry about extra innings. Don't worry about the result. Worry about the health of the players, the happiness of the fans, and the integrity of the World Series.

Listen up, Greenberg, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. (Part I)

I'm sure you all watched the MLB All-Star Game last night. Fans of Kansas City and Baltimore must be thrilled that whichever of those teams makes it to the World Series will have home field advantage.

Let's play a little game. Who are the teams with best records? AL: Detroit; NL: New York. Pretend they're in the World Series. How many from each were in the A-S game? Detroit: 2 (Rogers and Ordonez); New York: 3 (Beltran, Wright, Lo Duca). Maybe the Lions had a big impact? Well Rogers went 2 innings and gave up one run in a no-decision. Ordonez struck out PHing for Rogers. Wright had a HR (off Rogers) and Beltran was 2-4 with a run scored.

But if these teams meet up, Detroit will have the advantage. And it won't because they're a better team. It will be because their lousy All-Stars were picked up by other AL players while the Mets stars shone. Except Lo Duca, but seriously can you name another NL catcher?

Baseball royally screwed up 3 years ago when they decided the All-Star game should "mean something." No it shouldn't! It's an exhibition. Why is that so bad?

Even worse than imbuing meaning, they reminded everyone that previously World Series home field was determined by the even divisibility by 2 of the calendar year. What? You mean it wasn't the team with the better record? Like it is in the LDSs and LCSs? Like it is in every other series in every other Amercian sports league? Like it is in every NFL playoff game except the neutral-site Super Bowl?

OK. This is getting long, so I'm taking it to a second posting. See ya there!

Lineup for Ghana match

Here's two lineups for the US against Ghana. First is my preference, and second is what I think Arena will do.

My lineup
GK - Keller
D - Cherundolo, Onyewu, Conrad, Convey
M - Donovan, Reyna, Beasley, Dempsey
F - Johnson, McBride

This is really a 3-5-2, but I know Convey has played left back often in his career, including a few minutes before he came out on Saturday. Offense needs to come from everywhere, with attacking depth on both sides. Hell, I'd love to see Chris Albright get a chance at right back.

Predicted actual lineup
GK - Keller
D - Cherundolo, Onyewu, Conrad, Bocanegra
M - Donovan, Reyna, O'Brien, Beasley, Dempsey
F - McBride

This will be a 4-5-1 and hopefully O'Brien is fit enough to fill Mastroeni's role at defensive midfield.

UPDATE: (8:06AM, gameday)
GK - Keller
D - Cherundolo, Bocanegra, Onyewu, Lewis, Conrad
M - Donovan, Reyna, Beasley, Dempsey
F - McBride

A 5-4-1? I guess Lewis could be a midfielder. We'll see Bruce...we'll see...

USA 1 : 1 Italy

Well, that was a little more pleasant. Of course, I was drunk and I watched the game at around 1:30 am. At the time the two US sendings-off seemed like the greatest crime in human history. Now I'm a little more understanding. My collected take on the red cards:

• De Rossi - Warranted. But in a game in which I didn't have a rooting interest, I could see it as a yellow.
• Mastroeni - Yellow card every day of the week. Complete makeup call for the early expulsion of De Rossi.
  
• Pope - 1st foul was a solid yellow. 2nd was more questionable, and I don't think it should be a booking on a player carrying a card in the game.

Those fouls overshadowed a tough-played match for both sides. The US offense was functioning more smoothly that in the first game. Even though they couldn't find a goal themselves, it was promising.

Looking ahead to Ghana, the red cards will make Bruce Arena's lineup a little trickier, and I'll take my crack at that in a seperate post.

USA 0 : 3 Czech Republic

Well, that was a pretty lame way to spend two hours. Before I get to the game, I should badmouth the people I watched it with, since I really doubt they're reading this: I get it. You're probably some sort of Europeans and thus incredibly sophisticated when it comes to soccer. That doesn't mean you need to be jerks and laugh when the US makes a mistake or when Marcela Balboa says something dumb. There are plenty of "pubs" and "crack dens" in Chicago, and I'm sure they get ESPN2. Feel free to take your business elsewhere and leave me to my NUTV. I'll be watching the Ghana game at home, I think.

As far as the US team was concerned, I understand that it's hard to keep your chin up after letting in a quick goal. That doesn't really explain why no one on the team ran to the ball at all for 90 minutes. Even Claudio Reyna's near miss couldn't liven things up.

I thought the biggest problem, however, was not morale but the starting lineup. Arena didn't put out anyone to attack from the right side. I like Bobby Convey as much as anyone, but he and DaMarcus Beasley play the same position; don't need them both at once. Clint Dempsey at right mid or Chris Albright at right back would have given a balance to our anemic attack. It would have stretched the Czech back line and opened up the middle for McBride, Donovan and Reyna.

And if you knew how much I hate Clint Dempsey, you would understand how serious I think this mistake was. If we don't have offensive success against Italy, and these guys don't see time, it will be a major statement about how little confidence Bruce Arena has in them.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Let me just say that I can't stand listening to important sporting events on the radio. Relying on someone else to explain what's happening is just a killer for me. I love WNUR, don't get me wrong, but I need to see the players. So I was glad to get the CSTV online video working with about 10 minutes left in today's lacrosse game.

Oh, the lacrosse game? Yeah, we kicked complete and total ass in the second half. Unlike Friday's nailbiter against Duke, I could breath for most of the season finale. Well, the last 30 minutes anyway.

Now it's back to ABC to find out how many people have crashed in the Indy 500. When I go to Evanston tomorrow, that clock had better be purple.

Go Cats! Beat everyone!

Totally screwed by the NCAA

Oh yeah, this has me agitated too. The NCAA women's lacrosse championship bracket came out today. First, let us review the season-ending rankings:

1. Northwestern (16-1)*
2. Virginia (16-2)
3. Duke (16-2)
4. Georgetown (13-3)

* - ranked 1st unanimously

In the tournament: Duke is #1, Virginia #2, Georgetown #3, and NU is #4. What the H? The Cats will host first and second round games, but could meet Duke in a semifinal. In my opinion, NU and Duke should be #1 and 2, and they should only meet in the final.

Boo to you NCAA tournament selection whatever committee!

Why you gotta play me like that, 24?

OK. This is the type of crap that makes me hate myself for being hooked on 24. Bierko never expected to be apprehended at the gas facility, right? But he somehow knows a dude at CTU that drives a personel carrier? And that dude's obviously going to help him escape from custody in about 15 minutes.

Oh well. At least I get another couple episodes with Julian Sands, who is a little bit awesome.

Apple Store on-hold music

Just had the opportunity to be on hold for a couple minutes with the Apple Store on Michigan Ave. I was pleased to have some nice music to listen to, but the lyrics struck me as less-than-optimal for the occasion.

You've got to know when to hold'em; know when to fold'em,
Know when to walk away; know when to run.

- Kenny Rogers, The Gambler

Fortunately, I didn't have to make that decision, because Sarah was back in a moment like she promised.

You've really made it now, my friend

Don't know if it's happened before, but Deadspin just got totally name-dropped on PTI. Since PTI is like the biggest thing going in popular sports journalizzle right now, this is a nice plug for my favorite general sports blog.

Specifically, Mister Tony mentioned their take on Anna Benson's desire to divorce her much less hot husband Kris.

Go Deadspin. I expect to hear you mentioned on World News Tonight soon.

Words I need to not hear on TV anymore

"girls" - What Not To Wear
"bigs" - CBS college basketball coverage
"x*" - Stephen from Top Chef
"tribal" - as a synonym for "tribal council" on Survivor

* - where x is any word or words.

Some names to learn (if possible)

I haven't seen an "all-name" team for this year's NCAA tournament, but these two guys have got to be on it.

Pierre Marie Altidor-Cespedes, Gonzaga
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, UCLA

They're playing each other right now. Who could ask for anything more?

NCAA moreness

One more thing for now:

You are hereby authorized to root for the winner of George Mason/Wichita State to face Bradley in the NCAA championship.

Do everything your power to make it so.

A little NCAA nonsense

First, this is really funny and I'm sad I didn't notice it on my own.

Brad-Pitt [Deadspin]

Also, I'm completely sick of the word "bracket." I get that it's unavoidable this time of year, but I try to only use it as needed. And can we please go back to calling them regionals? What happened to that? I refuse to honor anyone as the winner of the Oakland Bracket.

The All-Me Team

Just thinking about the best NU roundballers I've seen. So, I present the All-(1998-present) Team for NU basketball.

Evan Eschmeyer - C
Tavaras Hardy - PF
Vedran Vukusic - SF
Jitim Young - PG
Mohammed Hachad - SG

That sounds like a pretty good lineup, no? You'd like to see those five on the floor together. And what's a first team without a second team?

Aaron Jennings - C (Um, this is where my game falls apart a little)
Winston Blake - SF
Davor Duvancic - PF
T.J. Parker - SG
Julian Bonner - PG

And honorable mention.

Napolean Harris
Sean Wink
Michael Jenkins

Please, just for a week, let Mark Cuban run the world.

Thanks again to Deadspin for pointing me toward awesomeness. Mark Cuban, in his blog, has ideas for Howie Mandel, Donald Trump, and really the future of humanity.

One Million Dollars [Blog Maverick]
Blogdome: Baba Booey! Baba Booey! [Deadpsin]

Ha! Take that Vince!

I found this through Deadspin, but it's from CBS Sportsline.

Someone rated the top QB prospects for the upcoming NFL draft. Check where Baz falls compared to a certain national champ.

You Shouldn't Taunt a Longhorn, Probably [Deadspin]
NFL Football 2006 Draft Prospects: Quarterback [CBS SportsLine]

Who with the what now?

Wait. Vedran's not playing tonight at Illinois? Oh dear, oh dear.

But, I just found out that Davor Duvancic is dating Miss Florida 2005.

So, I guess Croatians are 1-and-1 today.

Give me puppies or give me death

It has become apparent to me that there needs to be a new procedural drama on the network airwaves. Specifically, this show needs to be about the doctors, patients and families surrounding a veterinary clinic.

And no, New Breed Vets doesn't count.

Now, the obvious name for show is Dog House, but I'm open to other less derivative suggestions.

Other ideas: Vet-a-Vet (particularly if it's a husband and wife veterinary practice), Heartworn,
Cats & Dogs & lizards & ferrets & pigs & fish.

Upcoming novels by Robert Ludlum

• The Bourne Complacency
• The Vector Analysis
  
• The Myocardial Infarction
  
• The Harmonic Progression
  
• The Ya-Ya Sisterhood
  

Special Valentine's Unit

You're gonna wanna see this.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit Valentines [brandonbird.com]

NU @ Indiana: My issues

OK, I'm not "live blogging" this game or anything, but I want to make a post before I forget.

The officiating, at least for the first 14 minutes, has been really really bad. It's not super-blatant bad calls, though. It's like obvious -- to me, natch -- little calls and (mostly) non-calls that really change momentum. That's the worst kind of bad reffing, because no one notices it to complain.

Anyway. As I type this, the calls are a little better, NU's on an 11-3 run and Vince Scott just blocked Marco Killingsworth. Maybe I will live blog for a bit, and see how that goes.

More after the jump.

3:25 (1st). Heh, 3 simple words. Michael Jenkins rebound. IU 22 - NU 20.

1:40 (1st). Old Man Doyle is taking shit off Shon Morris. So he can't jump; doesn't mean he can't get a rebound and an assist. IU 22 - NU 22.

1:35 (1st). Michael Jenkins rebound. IU 24 - NU 22.

0:28 (1st). Good TO by Carmody. Give us a chance to get within 1 at the half. IU 27 - NU 24.

Halftime. Well, damn, Craig. Don't travel with 3 seconds left. IU misses last-second 3-pointer. IU 27 - NU 24.

That was pretty fun, but I'm probably going to switch over to Bones or Veronica Mars at 8. Go Cats!

I am blogging personified

If I had seen this months ago, this blog would be much much shorter.

Sunday, 1/29/2006 [Pearls Before Swine]

An open letter to The Universe and Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling

Dear All Things and Madam,

I have a problem that I think one or both of you can help me with. The following TV shows are all on at 8pm (central time) on Wednesdays: Lost (ABC), Criminal Minds (CBS), Veronica Mars (UPN), and Bones (FOX). I have the capability to record two shows at once on my DVR; or I can watch one and record one. I have a TV tuner for my computer, so I can watch or record one show there. I also have a TV-VCR combo deal, so I guess I could record the fourth show on that, but we live in a digital age and I refuse to "slum it" with inferior media.

More after the jump.

Here is where the two of you come in. As you will have realized -- as will any other readers of this letter; sorry to make it open, but I was unsure of the address for The Universe. Do you have Gmail? I bet you have something better with unlimited storage. -- the simplest solution here is for me to repeat the hour of 8pm central time as needed. J.K., (can I call you that? Everyone else does, it seems.) maybe you can tell me how to get my hands on a time turner. I'm not sure how I'd avoid seeing my multiple selves, but I can figure it out by next week. The Universe, you could probably open some wormhole or other space-time whateverness suitable for my situation.

I realize this is short notice, so I don't expect a reply in the next hour. If you can help me out by next week, I'd really appreciate it. After the Olympics start, I guess that will screw up scheduling and there will be few new episodes, so I will think some more while I watch the action in Torino.

Oh one more thing. Thanks for making the the Cats game at 6 tonight, so that doesn't conflict with my already large problem. I guess that's thanks to The Universe, but if you had a hand it that, J.K., I'm in more awe than I already was!

Sincerely,
Josh Eats Birds

Update: I discovered that I can hook the cable up to another connection on my TV to watch a regular cable channel while recording two other show. Problem solved for now. At least until NBC gets something good in that slot.

Kinnick Stadium, we hardly contained our disdain for thee.

Check out Tom's Kinnick press box remix and get your Tarzan Boy on.

Distilled Destruction! [CDogWeblog]

Actual factual car pictures

More car pictures. The angles aren't great, but there you go. Bonus points if you can name the location where I took these.

Update: Extra bonus points if you don't use my plates to steal my identity!

Update update: Ha! Now my pictures use superior blurring technology. Take that nobody!