Ohio State Whether Report

Say, Josh, tell me whether...

...
I know. Here it is. OSU -15.5, O/U 45.5. Or something close to that by gametime.

...you've got anything to say about a certain losing streak to OSU.
Not really. I think all our teams have been doing a nice job of bustin' streaks in the last couple of years. It's about time for this one to fall, and we've played OSU prettty tough for the last two meetings.

...you say something a little pithier than that.
Streak Shmeak. All the time.

...you've got a fight song parody this week.
I don't. I've never liked all the hate-OSU-by-cheering-Michigan cheers and songs. I just can't bring myself to cheer Michigan for any reason. Just trust that I totally hate OSU too.

...there's another reason.
Yeah. I actually find that damn song a little catchy, and I can't stand the fact that it might end up in my head.

...you're gonna try to be more regular about posting these things from here on out.
I'm gonna try. It helps when I'm amused and can write awesome things.

...you've got good stuff about the state of Ohio this week.
Not right now. I might edit this with more before the game though. Look out for that!

...a pick this week from you.
As always, I shall pick NU. This time, I say NU 21, OSU 16. Look for Nugent to be active in the FG column and less in the PAT column.

Ohio State Preview

Another week, another rank(ed) Big Ten opponent. I feel like maybe I dropped the ball last week. So I'll try to bring my A-game to Dyche Saturday night, and now you can too. You'll be so prepared for tOSU (6 ESPN/7 AP) that you'll injure the person next to you. By the way, stay away from me. I bruise easily.

Early season OSU MVP: Mike "Ted" Nugent. He's a kicker. No seriously. Something like 30% of the Buckeye-related ESPN.com articles are about him. I swear we need to get some of those green foot fungus-bacteria-gremlins that I've seen on TV and hide them in the opposing locker room. Those guys are hideous, so I doubt anyone on OSU would notice that they don't belong in there.

OSU's offense: OSU is now led by sophomore thrower Justin Zwick. No, you've never heard of him. No, he's not exactly burning up the field. OSU is not offensively gifted this year and they score about as much as NU does. They've gone 3-0 by allowing less than 14 points per game.

* Ok, sidebar! I was looking at the Big Ten team offensive stats, and something struck me as odd. They list the following sub categories under Touchdowns: Pass, Rush, Receiving, Return and Total. Every team has the same number of passing and receiving TDs. HOW COULD YOU NOT!? Hello! End of sidebar.

And now it's time to berate the players for the names that they have very little control over. I love this part.
Note: Roster info from ESPN.com.
* Four years and you still don't know?? - Kyle Andrews. A senior. His position: "?"
* Bam is an onomatopoeia - Bam Childress (Sr, WR). Can you believe I spelled onomatopoeia right on the first try?
* It's a girls name - Nate Salley (Jr, S)
* It's DeGirl's name - Michael DeMaria (Sr, RB)
* It's a first name - Branden Joe (Sr, RB)
* The name so nice, I made fun of him twice (see last year)- Mike Kne (Sr, G)
* There's a biblical joke in here somewhere - Adam Olds and Chris Moses
* Shake shake shake, shake shake shake - Ashton Youboty (So, CB)
* NAMES THAT END IN -ER - Winner, Whitner, Skinner (ouch), Schnittker (um), Schlichter (um x2), Schafer, Parker, Miller, Kerr, Hoewischer, Franzinger, Culver, Coker.

GO CATS!

Minnesota 43, NU 17

-- --
Gentle Reader,

It might be beneficial for you to note that I watched the game at Tom and Ryan's where they have "Tivo" and it was my first experience with the digital video recorder. It is possible that it went to my head a little. Just a little. Just saying.

Sincerely,
The Powers That Be
-- --

So. That was a kind of lousy game. Not so much for making a fun review for me to write. Which you can tell, because I didn't write it til Thursday this week. Anyway, I'm thinking that I can take a page out of the Tivo book and re-visit some funnier things that are recorded forever. And then just fast-forward through the actual game review.

/beep/
Saturday's high is around 75 or 80,with a chance of rain./beep/ Bottom line: be prepared for anything./beep/Suck it, Orville./beep/the fairy who obviously smashed QB Basanez in the head/beep/"taking a piece of artwork from a city park and a street sign."/beep/Dial discrimination is everybody's problem./beep/You're really sick. I can't believe you thought of that. I was talking about football and you just had to ruin it. That's it, I'm leaving./beep/"Streak shmeak."/beep/-well, I love to say "Slade"/beep/"Ladies and gentlemen! Let's hear it for Touchdown Terrence and YOUR Delaware Fightin Blue Hens!"
/boop/

See, the great thing about a clip show is that I can save up just as much stuff for the next time I have to do a clip show. And you'll never know what hit you! MWAH HA HA HA! I mean

&
In My Opinion:
Cats' O: Meh.
Cats' D: Feh. I think we kinda saw that one coming.
Cats' Spesh: Yeh. A beautiful kick return that wasn't enough. Maybe we need the ST out there more....no, we don't.

Go Cats! Beat the Buckeyes!

Minnesota Weather Forecast (Forecaster Jepson)

I almost forgot!

It's a dome. The weather doesn't matter.

BUT......

The 'Cats will roar so loudly that the roof will collapse, killing most of the Gophers and thousands of fans. The rest of the team will be killed by other means (choose your own death!).

Go 'Cats,

Jantz

Minnesota Whether Report

Say, Josh, tell me whether...

...you forgot again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah: Minnesota -15.5, O/U 66.

...you read (Minnesota coach) Glen Mason's press conference notes from this week.
Yeah it was a snoozer. Cut the diplomacy already. That goes for everyone.

...you're just dying for an opposing coach or player to be a completely pompous idiot and "dis" NU.
You know it! I would feel these pages with his mistakes and fill my closet with his soul.

...you found a interesting tidbit on the Go-fer coaching staff.
I did! Running backs coach Vic Adamle. Yes, that kind of Adamle. Vic is the brother of NU standout and Chicago sports media icon Mike Adamle.

...you're all out of MN dumbness.
As if that was even possible.

Princess Kay of the Milky Way: No, it's not a joke or a bad sci-fi movie. Dairy princesses from all across the state [MN] compete for this annual title in a competition sponsored by the American Dairy Association of Minnesota. Each Princess Kay candidate is honrored by having an 85-pound block butter sculpted into a replica of her head. Watching butter sculptor Linda Christensen work inside a 38-degree cooler is one of the most popular attractions at the Minnesota State Fair. [This is quoted from an email, and I don't know the original source.]

...you meant...
Yes. They "compete...in a competition" and it's the "American Dairy Assoc. of Minnesota."

...you forgot to credit Amanda this week.
Ooh good catch! Yes, Amanda dug up the dirt about the land of 10,000 best ice-fishin' holes in state. Go!

...you've got a pick for us.
Yeah, what the hey. I'm gonna say NU 35, Minnesota 31. Northwestern will cavort through the Go-fers' bend-and-then-break defense like a hot knife through a butter replica of 2004 PKotMW Christina Rettmann. Maybe the same thing will happen with the Minnesota O and the NU D. Anyway, look for enough big stops from the ApostroCats defense. Cats eat Puck-Heads!

Minnesota Preview

Finally, the start of the Big Ten season. Last year we got out to a not-so-good start with a shut-out loss to Ohio State. I have to take a little bit of the blame for that one. It was my birthday, and I might have put a little too much pressure on the Cats to give me the gift of a victory. So, this year -- two days before my birthday -- I'll just watch and cheer like a normal person. But, if NU pulls a fast one and delivers a little something as an early gift...well, I'll promise to act surprised.

Speaking of Gophers (how's that for a segue!), I'll bet you were just about to ask if I know where that nickname comes from. It turns out that I do, and it's not what you think:

150 years ago or so, a young university in Minnesota was starting up its varsity athletics. And what sport did it start with? Well, hockey you dolt. Don't you know anything about the land of 10,000 tiny hockey rinks? And what did they call their varsity hockey team? As a result of a mix-up, they were called the "What? I need to give them a name too? Um, let me think." Not very catchy. And "Go! What? I need to give them a name too? Um, let me think!" doesn't exactly roll off one's tounge. But the school and team were stuck with the name until they could choose a better one.

Then, along comes football. The first teams at Minnesota were made up of the 4th- and 5th-team hockey players. As so often happens, the football-going fans knew much more about the game than the players, and they liked to razz the zone defenses run by the first football teams. "Go for the damn ball, you stupid puck-heads!" they would yell. And with time, the cheer was shortened to the familiar Go-fer or Gopher. We can only wish they were now called the Puck-Heads. Sigh.

And now, for the highlights -- or "filler" -- of my preview! Funny things found online about stuff.

The players!
* Girls names!! - Joe Ainslie (So, T), Dominique Barber (Fr, DB), Marion Barber III (Jr, RB), Dominique Sims (Sr, LB)
* You got some splainin' to do - Desi Steib (Fr, DB)
* It's still funny this year - Jarod Posthumus (Jr, TE)
* I hardly know...er... - Swaggert, Rucker (ooh, close), Melander, Lamers (no good?), Hightower, Eslinger, Dozier, Barber, Barber, Alexander

And the MN dumbness!
* Illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic/onions/sardines. (Alexandria. Also only city with all women officials)
* Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays (St. Cloud)
* No red cars allowed on Lake St. (Minneapolis)
* All bathtubs must have feet
* Also has the world's largest ball of twine. (Darwin. I can't wait until the next time Minnesota playes Kansas!)
* Illegal to enter Wisconsin with a duck on your head OR a chicken on your head.

Now, hang on. Is there an epidemic of fowl-headery (head-fowlery?) going on? Do we need like a Constitutional ammendment or something?

Well, that's all for now. More tomorrow in the Whether.
Go Cats! Eat the Puck-Heads!

NU 20, Kansas 17

--AD--
Josh's NU Review is brought to you by

Students.
Showing up to things...since 2004
Now available at Northwestern University.

--AD--

Sorry about that ad. I don't usually have sponsors here, but in this case I'm a total fan. I'm fairly certain the ApostroCats are fans too, and after all it's all about about them here. Well, it's all about me being all about them. So.

In addition to being a fan of students showing up for NU games by the thousand (I haven't heard any particular estimate, so that's my own), I'm a big fan of the football-playing Northwesterners. I like those Cats on both sides of the ball and on both sides of the sideline. Do we have a booth? Cuz if we do, I'm a fan of those guys too. This past Saturday, I'll be bestowing most of my praise on the defense and special teams (and of course their coaches).

I. Special Teams. Huffman made FGs! A turnover on a KU punt miscue! These are very good, but do not underestimate the impart of Joel Howells in kickoff duty. He gave Huff's leg and brain a much-needed rest. Mad props to the coach who made that decision (and I have to assume it was Randy.)

II. D. The 2nd-best coaching decision (after Howells) was what I saw as a well-balanced defensive strategy. The KU rush was squelched (hee hee) with a minimum of NU man-power allowing for zone and nickel pass coverages. I know they passed for ~300 yards. But it was a small ~300. Ya know?

&
In My Opinion:
Cats' O: All-around good game. I worry about Baz's decision-making at times, but I'm lovin' these wide-outs.
Cats' D: Over-pursuit worked against Kansas but it can't be the rule or we're gonna get bur-urned.
Cats' Special Teams: Howells!!!!!!!! I like Huffman too, but Howells!

Go Cats! Beat the Gophers!

Kansas Weather Forecast (Forecaster Jepson)

Kansas
"I'm a Jayhawk"

Talk about the Sooners, the Cowboys and the Buffs,
Talk about the Tiger and his tail,
Talk about the Wildcat, and those Cornhuskin' boys,
But I'm the bird to make 'em weep and wail.

'Cause I'm a Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jayhawk
Up at Lawrence on the Kaw
'Cause I'm a Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jayhawk
With a sis-boom, hip hoorah.
Got a beak that's big enough to twist the Tiger's tail.
Husk some corn and listen to the Cornhusker's wail.
'Cause I'm a Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jayhawk,
Riding on a Kansas Gale.

In case there was any doubt, these are the actual lyrics, not the altered ones. These Jayhawks practically beat themselves (hi-o).

Silly birds. Your "Kansas Gale" is no match for Evanston weather. We all know that the 'Cats beat the Jayhawks in Kansas last year in a monsoon, so they can bring their little gale (oh, it's already been brought-en).

Go 'Cats,

Brad

Kansas Whether Report

Say, Josh, tell me whether...

...you forgot the line again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up with the betting line already! OK, fine. Here you go: NU -2.5, O/U 59.

...you'll have any family at the game on Satuday.
In fact, I will. My mom and my aunt will be there. My relatives are often good luck for NU football, so let's hope that hold up.

...you ever parodied the KU fight song last year.
No.

...you had some good ones for other shools last year, and you should do it for KU now.
No. Well, maybe. I had a couple good ones last year. No one really liked my Illinois song though.

...you can be convinced to do one this week.
Fine! If for no other reason than to get you off my back! I'm only doing the chorus though, because the verse is L-A-M-E! Lame, lame lame! Here's the tune and the real words.

O! These are falling, crawling Jayhawks,
And they're Catfood for us today.
O! These are failing, wailing Jayhawks.
Back to Lawrence (with) them, I say.
As a team unparalleled at losing on the field,
O! They don't know just yet that the Wildcats won't yield.
Cause these are fightless, flightless Jayhawks
Captured by the Cats once more! (Go Cats!)

...you gotta love a school that has a fight song about other schools.
No.

...your HS did that.
Um. Well, yes. I thought the universal love of Hopewell Valley CHS (Go Bulldogs!) was unquestioned. So, I figured it was an exception to answer above. Man these are hard questions.

...Cats eat birds.
Yes. Thusly: Cats eat birds/ Cats eat birds/ We are Cats/ You are birds/ We eat you/ You are dumb.

...the cheer goes on beyond that.
No. If you value your life, it does not.

...Cats eat birds to any particular tune.
Yes. Cats eat birds to the tune of NU 31, KU 24.

ASU 30, NU 21

Ok. Finally. Sorry it took so long to get this review written. It's been a combination of having actual stuff to do at work and actual TV to watch at home. And actually falling asleep on the bus. But enough about me for now. Don't worry, there will be plenty about me as the season goes on.

As far as that game against ASU? That was difficult to watch, and not for the usual reason. It wasn't a Minnesota-style blowout. And it wasn't really an Air Force-style collapse. It was just 60 minutes of generally not good enough play. I was thinking yesterday that I can't name a unit on the Wildcats that had an overall good day.

The D was ok against the run, but had the same problems in the secondary as last week. The O was pretty strong, scoring in the red zone 3 times out of 3. But they need more than 3 red zone possessions. And no turnovers. The special teams were all over the place with mostly good punts, bad coverage, and a great onside kick. And the coaches -- that oft-forgotten unit -- had a bad game. Bad decisions on 4th down, IMO, and a little bad play-calling. But oh well, it seems to have been par for the day.

And
In My Opinion:
Cats' O: Matched up well in comparison to ASU offense. Except one stat: turnovers.
Cats' D: Somehow need to find a secondary strategy that works.
Cats' Special Teams: I wish we'd seen a Huffman FG try. I don't want this to be a repeat of last year.

Let's go Cats!

ASU Weather Forecast

So, with Brad at band camp, I was shopping this feature around this week. But no one has picked it up, so I'll do it myself. Well, sort of, as you'll see. Since I haven't really been bringing the funny so far, I'll rely on the lamest-but-sometimes-funny trick in the book. That's right! Get ready for a Mad-Lib Weather Forecast.

***

Today in (1. location), you can expect (2. adjective) skies with a smattering of (3. plural noun). At game time, the (4. noun) should be right around (5. number). While (6. noun) is unlikely, there is a(n) (7. adjective) possibility of (8. noun) before the end of regulation.

This is good news for the the Wildcats, who will have no problem with the (9. adjective) attack of the Arizona State (10. plural noun).

(9. Imperative verb) Cats!

suggested words:
1. the frozen tundra
2. slimy
3. bears
4. chair
5. 7
6. beefsteak
7. searing
8. lava lamp
9. furry
10. Hockey Pucks
11. Run

ASU Whether Report

Say, Josh, tell me whether...

...you stopped by Band Camp this week.
Yes indeed. Along with Yvonne and Chris. It was pretty sweet, although I wish I'd seen some of pregame.

...that's a little creepy.
Yeah. Maybe. Ya know what? Suck it up and deal! We're old and we'll do whatever we want and you'll just have to like it.

...you keep forgetting to look at the point spread when you do the previews here.
Yeah. I don't like to condone betting, and I don't gamble myself, but they're sometimes interesting. I think it's NU by 2 1/2 with an O/U of 61. I can buy that.

...there's anything else you missed, you slacker.
I don't think so.

...you're going to keep using the Whether Report feature to make up for your failings in the previews.
It sure looks that way, huh?

...the ASU fight song is note-worthy.
No. Usually I check that out too, so I just did. Except that the end recalls "Aw Wisconsin."

...you're gonna write down that name.
Oh boy! It's that long name I often pass on a store-front while I ride the el. Thanks! I totally would have forgotten. Hang on...DAMN TREES! Grrrrrrrrrrr. OK. I couldn't see it. It's all right. I'm better now. Sorry about that.

...you're writing this on the back of old NUMB music.
Yup, sure am. Actually, I guess it's NUBB music. Page one is "You Really Got Me" (a.k.a. "The Josh Held Feature Song") and Page two is "(Dave can we play) Minnie the Moocher."

...this will ever be funny.
Maybe. I hope so. I'm gonna try to pull in some outside contributions to liven it up. Send me somthing!

...you've got a prediction for Saturday.
Yeah, sure. Um. NU 35, ASU 20.

ASU Preview

Welcome back to another week of my NU football whateverness. Now that we're looking at a string of Saturday games, I'll let you know my usual schedule. Thursday is the preview, Friday is the weather report and the whether report, and Monday is the recap. I'll try to get everything up before noon (hopefully earlier) most days.

There. You know what to expect from me. What shall we expect at Dyche on Saturday? Well, before I get to whatever silliness and interest I can find in my Sun Devil research, I'll state my general view of this game.

*** Josh's general view ***
ASU beat a bad UTEP team last week. NU lost close to a good TCU. Those games don't make a good comparison to each other. NU needs improved rushing, similar passing efficiency, and improved pass coverage. That should do it, and I think it's all there to be had.
*** It's over! ***

* ASU is 2-0 all-time against the Wildcats. The last game was in 1978, so let's not worry about that stat, huh?

* NU had the nation's best passing attack last week: Basanez led the nation in passing. Field led in yards receiving. Philmore had the 9th most yards nationally, and was 3rd in the Big Ten.

Not much news in the ASU football world. What I wouldn't give for another campus-sign stealing story like last year!

* I'm also totally sick of players who aren't from interesting places! Why can't they all be from Stupidnameville? Or at least from Dodge Dakota.

Meet the Sun Devils:
* Loren is a girl's name: Loren Wade (So. TB). As long as Howard is out, I have no problem mocking this name.
* Um: Rodney Cox (Fr. CB/S), Brandon Rodd (Fr. OL).
* I hardly even, et cetera: Baker, Carpenter, Keller, Merriweather, Miller, Miller, Miller, Nenaber, Palmer (what is she? a basketball?), Reininger, Thrower (how rude! I guess it's better than Baker), Walter.

GO CATS!

TCU 48, NU 45 (2 OT)

In spite of the final result - a 1 in the loss column - I felt pretty good about last night's game against the Horn-ed Frogs of Tee Cee Yoo. I mean, the loss of Loren Howard is probably for the whole season, and the Northwestern lineman showed that they'll be able to play well without him. Replacement end David Thompson had 3 tackles (one for a loss), and the linebackers and safeties did a very nice job supporting each other and the line in the rush defense.

Also Luis Castillo played great considering his left arm was severed at the shoulder early in the 3rd quarter. Ha! Now don't you wish you'd stayed up for the whole thing?! Screw work the next morning; this is football we're talking about.

But the defense on the ground didn't quite make up for the lack of defense through the air. If you want my opinion, and I know you do - why else would you be reading this - the TCU ball-catchers were just too fast as a group. They were down-field blocking while our secondary was still watching the pass. So, I think we'll improve on that against lesser receiving corps. Corpses? Corpsi? Corpsi sounds like a soft drink.

Corpsi! The taste of the old generation!

On the other side of the ball (Finally, Josh!) I was so impressed with Brett Basanez (Uh huh, uh huh! I like it!) that I was speechless for most of the game. I mean, 513 yds on 39 for 62 passing? With 4 TDs and 1 INT? And no sacks allowed? How could you ask for more from the guy? You know who I'm asking more from? The Grammar Police not to knock down my door, but also Noah Herron to show a little more speed. And the NU offensive play-caller(s) to get him out around the corner a little more. He's better in the open field than that for which they give him credit.

And as always
In My Opinion:
Cats' O: This is the kind of stuff we saw a few years ago from Zak and Damien. Only different. I'd like to see more from Herron or any other back, and I'd like us to keep some wide-outs healthy.
Cats' D: I liked the play up front and against the run. I don't know if the poor secondary play was a one-time deal. For now I think it was.
Cats' Special Teams: I wasn't going to say anything, but I feel I must. We should have won that game so many times, and it all seems to boil down to Huffman. That was a pretty lousy game from a guy who's usually a consistent kicker. Let's all give him a break next Saturday at Dyche, shall we?

Go Cats! Beat the Sun Devils!

TCU Weather Forecast (Forecaster Jepson)

Ah, the smells of allergy season (i.e. no smell - I'm congested) have
arrived, timed appropriately with the peak of Royals' suckiness, the same
old summer songs on the radio, and the realization that watching the
water treatment process is only slightly more exciting than watching
grass grow. This means it's time for football season.

During an intense number-crunching session, I discovered that the 'Cats
played .556 football last year when I gave the weather report, but a
lowly .250 when I did not.

Therefore, I submit for your approval the 2nd Annual Opening Day Weather
Report:

***

It's going to be insanely hot in Ft. Worth. So hot that the Horned
Frogs' reptilian blood will boil (yes, horned frogs are a kind of lizard,
not actually frogs). It should be a triumphant victory for the 'Cats.

Don't worry, the weather reports will eventually be funny, when sleep
deprivation sinks in.

'Cats eat Horned Frogs,

Jantz

TCU Whether Report

...you can explain what the Hell this is.
No.

...this is going to be pretty lame unless you do explain.
No. You people are pretty smart, and you can always look at last season's stuff.

...you heard that there is an injury on NU's defensive line.
Yeah. I heard on ESPN radio yesterday morning that someone (it was either Howard or Clark) is hurt and out for the TCU game. I don't remember who, and I haven't seen it confirmed anywhere, but I'm going to assume it's true.

...that sucks.
Oh yeah. Big time.

...you forgot to do the names and towns in the preview.
Yes. I can't get anything past you. I'll do them here. If I remember. Because, you see, I'm still on the bus. That's a fun part, so I hope I remember.

...you remembered.
Whew, I did.

The first edition of the funny oponents' name game:
* First let me state that there are like 100 million players on TCU; this could take a while.
* I actually think it's a pretty good QB name: Tye Gunn (Jr.)
* Is a girl's name: There aren't any. How much does this suck for the 1st week.
* Is a jerk's name: Cad Davis (Fr, safety)
* I hardly even know 'er: Walker, Taylor, Schleuter, Schlenger, Proctor, Oliver, Lindner, Kesler, Draper,
Butler, Bonner, Alexander